C1 Essay

Deciding to Be Myself

      “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

                                                                  ― Aristotle

     Throughout life it seems like people are always trying to tell you what to do and how to live your life. When you're young your parents pick out your outfits, they pick out your hair cuts, and mainly everything in your life. Up until a certain stage of your life, which could be 9 or even 18 depending on your parents, they're going to make all decisions for you. The people you hang around with are going to influence what you like. You may be in a situation where you let someone else make all of your choices for you. All of my life this has been a troublesome thought, but I let it happen. I let people walk all over me and make all of my choices because I always figured that I was young and inexperienced with life, so what would I even know?

     It mainly started whenever my parents told me that I couldn't have a certain religion, or lack thereof. When I was around 5 years old, I started questioning the religious beliefs that were "assigned", per se, to me. As far back as I can remember,  every Sunday morning my family and I would spend our time getting ready, putting on our "Sunday's best" or "church clothes", and head out to our little blue and white church on Church RD. We spent every Sunday morning repeating the same cycle. I would prance off to my Sunday school class to join other children around my age for activities regarding the Christian faith. We'd make artwork, learn and sing songs, read our children's picture bibles, and an assortment of other things. I never really paid much thought to the actual meanings of the messages the teachers were trying to get across. I was mainly interested in the fun things we were going to do. I didn't care that the VeggieTales were singing about loving Jesus and how he loves us. I cared that there was a funny little tomato and cucumber that could people like things and were always in some hilarious situation. I liked the glitter we were gluing to the foam crosses, not the actual story about what the cross represented. These were the things that excited me. After the Sunday school class, I dreaded the next part. Then we would sit in a room full of pews and listen to our pastor go on about everything for at least an hour. Once we reached that point the rest of the time was no longer fun for me. It was nearly exhausting to have to sit still for all that time to listen to a man preach. I finally decided that if I was going to be forced to sit there then I would actually try to listen to what this preacher was trying to tell us. Once I started to pay as much attention as my little five year old brain could, I started to wonder what this meant and how it could be that these were how the world worked. I was always told I wasn't allowed to question God. Every time I started to wonder who created God since he created us, which was actually pretty often, I shut it down because I was afraid that the Lord would smite me for thinking such things. Eventually I decided that as far as I was concerned these things just couldn't exist the way church and the Bible were teaching to me. It just didn't make sense. I started to separate myself from Christianity at a young age. I no longer attempted to care about the messages that were tried to be sent to me. When it came to church I went solely for the fun activities, and learnt how to start sneaking barbies in for the pastor time. Whenever I was in kindergarten we were required to stand every morning for the Pledge of Allegiance to the United States. Hearing the part that states that we are "one nation, under God" started to irk me. One day I decided that I would stand because I didn't want to be part of one nation under god. I immediately was sent to the office of  Mrs. Hodge, the principal of my elementary school for this. I was told that I could not do that, despite my "wrong beliefs", and I would be punished for even thinking those things. I felt so terrible about myself that I decided to keep it to myself for a very long time. Fast forward to a few years later and it was still a mainly personal thing. I had told a few close friends about my feelings towards religion, but not many. Some were in disbelief because that is all they knew, but mainly nobody cares because children don't judge as much as adults do. If we fast forward to a few more years, I have told pretty everyone I knew, except for my parents. They were the people I was most afraid to tell. Most of my friends were not surprised. They told me that the kind of sensed it all along. However, my parents were not happy. I was told that I would be forced to attend church until I started thinking straight again. So, I did, despite everything that felt wrong to me. Eventually I managed to get out of going, and had officially declared myself as an Atheist to everyone I knew. It was such a freeing event. I felt as if I didn't have such a heavy weight on my shoulders anymore, and that my thoughts were finally my own. At this point it time it was the first time I decided I was making my own decisions. It felt wonderful!

     After making the decision that I would be who I wanted to be I ended up in a situation where I could no longer do that. I started to date this guy because he asked me out in an extremely awkward situation where I just couldn't say no. I decided to break it off a day or so later, but that didn't end well. He begged not me, but my friends too for  me to take him back. I figured that if he was making that much effort then I would give it a chance and let him down a little less harsh in a week or so. Well, that didn't really happen. I immediately started to feel trapped and figured that I could just delay the break up a little longer just so that maybe he wasn't so clingy. Well, clingy turned into obsessive. I couldn't go more that 5 minutes maximum without checking in on him. That obsession started to fuel some controlling issues to. I was no longer able to do anything I wanted. I was told who I could talk to, what I could wear, which family members I was allowed to travel to see, what music I was allowed to listen to, among so many other things. There was even one time that I came home from school where he was waiting for me, just to find that he had thrown away all of my expensive makeup and a lot of clothes. He had ruined them and there was no getting them back. Just because he wanted me not to use and wear them. I know it sounds like an easy situation to get our of, but it wasn't. I tried. He would threaten to harm or even kill himself if I tried. I didn't believe him at first, but he wasn't completely bluffing. He did take the anger out on himself; as well as next time he saw me, he took it out on me physically as well. This was the cycle I was now living in. One day I was so tired of not being able to be myself that I ended it. As bad as it sounds, at this point I didn't even care if he did hurt himself. Before I was so afraod of having that on my conscience. I made up some fake sob story and managed to break it off. It was a hard situation, but I managed to get through it with a little help from the police and family members. Once again, I felt free.

     After those two main events in my life, I decided that I was going to finally be who I wanted to be. Life quickly taught me that it could be over in an instance. I lost three family members extremely close to me all in the course of one year. After losing both of my papaws and my cousin, I realized life was extremely short. This realization paired with how great it felt breaking free from the things holding me back from making my own choices, were what caused me to make the final decision to be solely my own person. I chose to no longer rely on anyone else to help me build the structure of who I am. No matter what it is I always put myself first. This doesn't mean that I am selfish or a cold hearted person. I would give someone the shirt of my back if I needed to, but it would definitely be a shirt I picked to wear. I no longer let anyone tell me how to live my life. If someone is toxic to me, then I'm done with them. I'm not going to waste effort and time maintaining a relationship with someone detrimental to me. I study what I want in school, and will be what I want to be whenever I'm done-- despite any negative feedback telling me I can't. This is my life, and my life only. As far as I am concerned, I am the only one living it, and will be the only one when everything is said and done. This is what keeps me going as a person. Nothing in life makes me happier than feeling so free.

     Whenever I randomly think about how the different choices I've made in life has impacted my life, this is the one that always comes to mind. Not only has this changed how I lived my life back then, but still to this day it improves my overall quality of life. Even with current events, this enables me to say how I really feel without caring what things will be thought about me. Overall, I think that everyone reacted well to hearing about these choices.